Live Your Story …

Leave a comment
Dogs / Follow Your Heart / Living Authentically / Mystical Connection / Power of Story

“You have to go the way your blood beats. If you don’t live the only life you have, you won’t live some other life, you won’t live any life at all.”     James Baldwin

There are things I ‘can’t-not-do’ … Scratch a mosquito bite, run back to the parking lot just after entering Costco to make sure I locked the car if I didn’t recall hearing the ‘beep,’ eat only one potato chip, question whether or not I turned off all electrical appliances when on the rare occasion I leave the farm for an extended period of time, or, as I have been doing the entire month of March, write a story inspired by the hypnotic effect of looking deeply into my Great Pyrenees puppy’s eyes. 

Puppy, though technically correct is a stretch. Moose is 16 months old and weighs in around 115 pounds. Giant breed dogs are considered puppies for at least the first two years. It’s not easy to keep that in mind all the time since he’s huge. Puppy? But he does have those endearing eyes. 

Moose and I have regular love-on-me sessions. I sit on a bench outside and he pads over and presses up to my side. This, I have come to know is a signature characteristic of a GP … they are leaners extraordinaire, and have a great need, almost as big as their size, to be loved on.

In our ‘loving-on’ sessions I frequently have the opportunity to gaze into his eyes. I get lost in those soulful apertures. I have known a lot of dogs in my life, yet I have never known one who feels so deeply rooted in the past. I find myself being transported through time when I look into his eyes … An odd sensation like being carried through millennia on the howling history of this magnificent breed. 

This connection with Moose has taken a hold of my senses and has been provoking my imagination bringing with it images, history, soul, and the powerful magic of story. I have found myself compelled to release this experience into words that began to flow like water. A month later … The Little Known Story of the Magical Beginnings of the Great Pyrenees sits on my computer … a thing I ‘can’t-not-do.’ 

What gives life meaning? In the dailiness of human struggle to come to terms with fear, loss, anger, destruction, and grief, what is it that carries us through to joy, empathy, compassion and love? For me, it’s story. It’s the way I hold the disparate events of life in my mind and heart. The way I make sense of this earthly journey. 

Everywhere I look, every step I take there is wonder. In the masters of the sky whose winged flights and melodic songs fill the air we breathe, in the stalwart trees that withstand all with strength and dignity, in the verdant grasses that carpet the ground under our feet, in the massive sculptural stones that hold a place for the past, present and future, in the eyes and souls of the creatures who walk among us … all these and more speak stories of the earth.

Our world is unravelling and we need stories now more than ever. Phillip Pullman is quoted saying, “After nourishment, shelter, and companionship, stories are the thing we need the most in the world.”

We need stories of courage to bolster our own weakening resolve. Tales that work on our souls, inspire us to do that which at times seems impossible. Those timid dreams that lie deep inside and tug at our conscience in the quiet. If we listen, really listen to the voice inside prompting us forward beyond fear and doubt, we can create within ourselves a new story to live into. 

The very best thing about my father was that he was a master story-teller. Not unlike ancient tribes who kept their history alive by repeating and adding to the stories of their lives, he would do the same. Not around a fire, but the kitchen table. In that modest setting I would sit with rapt attention when he came home from work. I listened and heard what some might consider boring details of a Chicago used car salesman. For me, it was thrilling, for he would cloak the stuff of his daily experiences in a richly embellished story. Those stories opened my heart and mind to wonder in all things no matter how small.

Einstein said, “Imagination is more important than knowledge.” No doubt knowing things can take you far, but imagination can take you all the way home to yourself … to the very reason you’re here to begin with. Imagination is your portal into your true self, the story you can choose to live into.

So far The Little Known Story of the Magical Beginnings of the Great Pyrenees is 30 full pages, 18 chapters long and I haven’t written the ending yet. What will become of it? I have no idea, I only know I had to write it. I chose to follow the thread of imagination, trusting that there is purpose in the greater mind inhabiting my soul … I had to go the way my blood beats. 

What’s your story?

“Dogs do speak, but only to those who know how to listen.” Orhan Pamuk

Lest we forget …

Leave a comment
Awareness / Injustice / The Human Condition

There’s a lot to be said for having a life partner. Benefits include: being truly known and still tolerated, maybe even adored, the quiet times when he’s sitting in his comfy chair reading a book and I’m typing away on my computer in a companionable silence … just two souls facing life together. Then there are the mornings when you get to sleep-in while he lets the dogs out to pee, and who wouldn’t want having someone around to hold your hair back when you have to throw up. Yes, having a life partner is a good thing, and as we all know … nothing is perfect.

Sometimes a body just wants to be alone. No offense to anyone else, you just don’t want to see another human face. Sometimes the song he plays on repeat makes you want to throw a brick at his speakers. And, sometimes this sharing-everything doesn’t work out so well like it did for me recently when my life partner shared his tenacious head-cold with me. 

Normally I have an extremely difficult time taking it easy even when it’s clear that I need to in order to get rid of this ‘shared’ head-cold. Fortunately, my cold coincided with the Winter Olympics. If I needed to be on the couch with a box of tissues and hot tea with honey at least I could watch figure skating—my favorite.

I am in awe of the Olympics. For a brief 16 days people around the globe are inspired by the courage, commitment, and awesome beauty of dedicated athletes. We marvel at the support teams of the participants. The ones who work diligently behind the scenes, often without notice to give their athlete the best possible chance to excel. We cheer for an individual’s performance no matter where they’re from. On the ice, the slopes or sled runs we honor our shared humanity. It’s astonishing really.

While buried under covers and blowing my nose I watched the rhythm dance Olympic debut of Emilea Zingas and Vadym Kolesnik. Vadym, now an American citizen was born in Ukraine. In a brief interview he remarked that he worries people are forgetting what’s happening in Ukraine. He spoke simply to the point, not pressing the issue. He wasn’t preachy or demanding, didn’t ‘use’ the Olympics as a platform, just shared a simple concern. If you blinked you would have missed it.

You can tell a lot about someone if you look carefully at their face. Even from the screen on my wall it was easy to see genuine, uncomplicated concern on Vadym’s face. What I didn’t see was negativity or blame placing, only caring. Now days later I’ve noticed that his presence and simple words have stayed with me. 

When Russia invaded Ukraine I was outraged. It seemed as though the entire world would stand together against this criminal invasion. I bought a Ukraine flag that flew at the top of our flag-pole to stand in solidarity with the people of Ukraine. I made it a point to support organizations bringing shelter, medical care, and food to the hurting and hungry. I walked in the woods and lifted silent prayers from my heart to those in pain. I hoped, even expected the end would come soon. 

Russia launched the full scale invasion of Ukraine on February 24, 2022. On this day, February 24, 2026 the war will have been going on for a full 4 years. 4 years of needless pain and suffering … and horror of horrors, the war seems to have become a feature of the global landscape. Have we simply accepted that’s the way it is?

My Ukrainian flag weathered and was in shreds when I took it down about two years ago. I didn’t replace it. My support waned in light of some tightening in our finances. I regularly walk in the woods and am trying to remember the last time I sent heart-felt prayers into the universe for those in that war-torn country. I had forgotten. 

Even having deep ancestral roots in Eastern Europe hasn’t kept this atrocity in my awareness. I have plenty to eat, shelter and in no threat of bombs exploding in the street. The bloodshed and battle isn’t in my face. It gives me no pleasure to admit being so shallow, but out-of-sight, out-of-mind. 

Russia and Belarus were banned from participating in the Olympics, a stand against injustice on a global scale. My wake-up call came from Vadym. His plain spoken concern broke through my complacency. 

I’m going to order a new flag today. As it ripples in the wind the field of blue and yellow will subtly remind me not to become complacent. I will lift up prayers and once again give whatever I can manage for food, shelter and medical care. 

The Olympics are a bright light in our world. They remind us we are one human family, brothers and sisters around the globe woven together in a tapestry of colors and cultures. No one has to have a deep connection to Ukraine to care, and give what support they can. 

“Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly.”
Dr. Martin Luther King

You do not have to be good …

Leave a comment
Awareness / Dogs / Living Authentically / The Human Condition

Living with a dog is a humbling experience. They are so keenly observant, remarkably intuitive, decisive, affectionate, present in every moment, protective of their people, and, my favorite … utterly thrilled to be alive. Who of us can claim anything even close?

I live in something like the Subaru commercial poignantly featuring a family with their dog in three different life stages. Although the ad aired some years back, even now just thinking about it my tear ducts begin to swell. To the best of my memory in the opening scene a young couple is putting their adorable squirmy puppy in their new compact Subaru and driving off. Then a few years later they acquire a larger Subaru to accommodate the now grown dog sitting protectively between a baby in a car seat and a fidgeting toddler. Finally, an even larger model is required to transport the family of parents and young adults along with the gray muzzled senior dog who slowly ambles over to the car as his loving family helps him into the back. Where they go, he goes … break out the tissue.

My three dogs are in those very same life stages … Beau, the gray faced, very senior Dachshund, Zoe, the in-her-prime genetic mix of a variety of working dogs, and Moose, the Great Pyrenees puppy who is the spitting image of a clumsy baby polar bear. 

Much of my day is occupied with what I affectionately call the ‘Dog Rodeo’ … The walking, feeding, poop picking, grooming, loving on, and playing with dogs of extremely different needs. It’s a lot to do and some days I’m utterly exhausted, and yet …

We humans struggle with self-worth, disease, depression, anxiety, fear, disappointment, loneliness. Few of us escape hardships in even what might be considered the most fortunate of lives. At times the horrors of all the suffering in our collective humanity weighs heavy on my soul. But, in the cool of the early morning when I throw the big orange ball on the end of an 18” rope to my polar bear pup and see him proudly cavorting around with it hanging from his mouth, I connect to what has to be pure joy. That’s the paycheck from all the work.

My dogs have a way of calling me to a world beyond the difficulties of being human. When I run my hands over Moose’s white fluffy puppy fur or Zoe’s well muscled body I feel alive to more … To a world beyond metrics & measures, deadlines & demands, warring & prejudices, having & having not. I connect to a dimension of existence in harmony with the real world, the natural world. 

I had a dream the other night in which I was reciting a poem that has meant a lot to me for many years, “Wild Geese,” by Mary Oliver. When I woke up a rush of thoughts flooded my mind and as the sleep fell from my eyes I realized I had never ‘gotten’ what this poem was saying directly to me and it is in the very first line … “You do not have to be good.“

It’s curious to me that I have had no awareness of the personal message that, now seen, I can’t ‘unsee.’ I can only imagine that I simply wasn’t ready to let in the realization that I don’t have to “be good.” 

For as long as I can remember I have been trying to live up to an extensive set of strict internalized criteria for being a ‘good’ woman. Punishing myself when I inevitably failed and never questioning if that criteria were a good fit for me. 

In his book, The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz speaks to a process he calls “The Domestication of Humans.” He claims that the innocent child has complete trust in adults. Those adults or parental figures impact our early years by their words, expectations and example … some helpful, some not. This mixed bag morphs into a set of agreements we internalize and by which we become ‘domesticated.’ 

Ruiz writes, “During the process of domestication we form an image of what perfection is in order to try to be good enough.” I have tried.

Insidiously there have been just enough pieces of my domesticated ideal that matched my true self to mask those that did not. It’s a bit like a pair of shoes that if you wore just the right socks and tied the laces in a certain way you could get them to fit, sort of. It is possible to configure yourself so well that you actually come to believe the domesticated you, like the shoes, are a perfect fit. I’ve been good at that.

What I haven’t been so good at is sorting out what I’ve assimilated from external influence and what is truly, uniquely me … Like trying to untangle a giant-sized ball of tangled yarn. 

No wonder I have clung to Mary Oliver’s words like a lifeline, not even completely realizing why. Now I hear them as never before. “You do not have to be good.” I am taking baby steps, beginning to scrutinize my thinking and behavior. I suspect it might feel a little awkward to align myself with being robustly authentically me … Perhaps as though I am betraying some imprinting. I am going to have to be courageous even when I don’t feel that way. Which, by the way, I don’t.

Isn’t is interesting that it’s so challenging to simply be who we truly are?

Further on in “Wild Geese,” Mary writes,  “… you only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves… “

One thing I know for certain is that the soft animal of my body LOVES my dogs. Loves the joyful bliss I find simply being with a playful puppy tossing around a ball … And, when that glistening white polar bear puppy leans into my side asking to be loved on, I feel like my heart is in rhythm with the beating heart of the universe … I guess that’s where I’ll start.

Only Miracles …

Leave a comment
Follow Your Heart / Living Authentically / Mortality / Overworking

A few years ago I was cleaning out a storage space. I came across a large rectangular box that held a few canvasses. In the usual chaos of life that box had apparently been overlooked, and shoved to the back of our pole barn.

I hauled out the dusty oversize box and after a sneezing fit pulled out everything inside only to discover the box held more than stretched canvas on frames. A nervous tiny deer mouse stared back at me shivering with fright. Whiskers twitching and perfectly round liquidy, beady black eyes bulged out from the sides of her pointed little face. I quickly deduced it was a ‘her’ because all around her were squirmy, blind bundles of pink flesh.

Of course the prudent thing to do would have been to dispatch the whole lot of them … a sanitized way of saying ‘kill them.’ I found I couldn’t do it, even though I regularly set mouse traps. I couldn’t do it for the simple reason that I looked into her eyes. Creature to creature, we had a moment. 

In reality life comes to us only in moments, and all too often those fleeting seconds get swept away, gobbled up in the dailiness of activity … the doing, doing, doing. But not this time.

Oftentimes I find l am a human doer rather than a human being. I don’t like to think of myself that way. However, if I’m being really honest I have to say that I live as though all the stuff I push around, arrange, clean, buy, store, pass on is my real purpose for being here. Thankfully something happens every now and then launching me into a different reality. I’m given an opportunity to simply be. Like yesterday …

It was incredibly foggy, so thick you could scoop it up with a spoon. And, like magic, all my ‘doing’ relaxed. Happily immersed in a sea of white I was mesmerized. The dense atmosphere muffled all sound and was just other-worldly enough to have me release all thoughts of ‘doing’ and cast my cares into the fog. 

I was catapulted from the land of toil into the land of being.

Suddenly I became aware of small sounds, now audible as the almost impenetrable fog hushed those that are louder and more demanding on our ears. Decaying leaves scratching up against my foot, a vole making it’s way through the underbrush. There was a distant nuthatch chittering high in the trees, the rustle of wings from a bird on high, the soft snow delicately crunching beneath my feet. All around me the subtle, deeper layers of our living earth. 

I would like to think that it wouldn’t take a weather event for me to slow my flurry of ‘things-I-need-to-do.’ Do I have the courage to face into what it is that keeps me running, doing, working myself ragged. Could I let go? Perhaps then I’d spend more of my life simply being … 

Maybe it’s a bit cowardly but I wanted the fog to stay, impose upon me this sheltered cocoon. Then, enveloped in this protective womb I could remain in quiet and avoid dealing with whatever it is that has me running around in circles like the little deer mouse who in fact became a tank pet and ran on a wheel all night long. 

She, ‘Smeasely’, lived to be 3 1/2 years old. She provided hours of ‘dog TV’ for my Border Collie Zoe who was fascinated by the way she would pop out of the tunnels she constructed out of chewed up cardboard and wood shavings. Smeasely would hold and daintily nibble on a seed with her tiny nimble paws. She had shiny brown fur, velvety ears and pure black liquid eyes that looked so utterly fragile. She was just a common little mouse and yet, she was exquisite. Truly a marvel of nature. 

In our modern life we are constantly barraged by the urgent fury of information hurled at us through email, phone calls, texts, TV, pop-up internet ads, all making emphatic demands. We are warned to take action now or miss out. Meet deadlines. Go here, do this. Everywhere voices are screaming for our attention, and action … all consuming our precious time, our moments.

Under normal circumstances we don’t know how long we have on this earth. When our clock winds down, our time stands still. I can’t rely on a foggy day or any other external pressure to connect to the deepest parts of my humanity. I can succumb to the vortex of the madness or find a way within myself to give up what keeps me running on the wheel. 

I do know that when I approach the end I want to be able to say along with the poet that in my life, “I know nothing else but miracles …” Walt Whitman

Look Up …

Leave a comment
Dogs / Farm Life / Living Authentically / perspective / The Human Condition

Outside it’s drizzling that ‘just above freezing’ damp, bone-chilling cold that I find particularly horrible. My dreams of a white Christmas went unanswered this year and maybe that’s a perfect ending to a particularly difficult year for both our country and for the world.

I’ve tried reminding myself how badly we need rain here in Eastern Washington. Nice try, but the truth is, its yucky outside and no amount of pasted-on optimism is going to change that.

On this mostly disagreeable afternoon my dog Zoe and I went for our daily walk through our little woods. There’s a certain place where 12 old Ponderosa pines line up to form a lengthy, lazy semi-circle. Feels like a cathedral where I often stop and pay my respects. 

While Zoe chewed on some fresh green grass … (Yes, there is fresh green grass growing in the latter part of December. Go figure!) … She chewed and I let my thoughts wander among the branches seeking something that I couldn’t quite define. 

Like the gentle rain falling on my head, so did the quietest little notion fall upon my thoughts. “Look up … “ 

Our farm is situated on a hillside, a very uneven, rocky hillside. This makes for interesting views and artful natural statues at every turn. It also makes for some treacherous walking if you’re not constantly looking down at the ground in front of you. At times I feel like a bug wandering around in the dirt at the base of the giants in the forest. 

Being of a certain age does make caution important, but I was standing still and so I did look up. 

I usually learn something from changing my perspective and his day was no different. I was spellbound by what I routinely neglect to see … Every branch almost comically tufted with spiky balls of deep green needles. The exquisite frame they place around an otherwise ho-hum cloudy gray sky. And there was more …

Trees exist simultaneously in the magical paradox of heaven and earth, feet firmly rooted in the ground while continually reaching for the sky … They grow stronger with every passing year without relinquishing the necessary flexibility to withstand even the strongest of winds, a heart-stopping spectacle for anyone witnessing these massive trunks swaying wildly on a stormy day.

Trees are generous with themselves; offering cooling shade in the heat of summer, nourishment and housing to a multitude of insects, mammals and birds while enriching the soil at their feet and cleansing the very air we breathe … And, of course the most obvious: trees are a thing of beauty.

Even though tiny streams of rain were cascading down my face I probably would be standing there still if my neck could have stood the strain. 

The message was clear … “Stay firmly rooted to that which gives you nourishment and do not become brittle, hardened in thought and deed … Inevitable storms and winds of change will blow all around you, cultivate an open mind, a willing spirit … Be generous with yourself, and thereby be a breath of fresh air into the world … And, always, always seek higher ground. Look up.”

It’s mere days away to a new year. I know January 1st is really just another day as 2026 replaces last year’s calendar on the wall. Maybe this is a year to reacher higher, be a better me. Maybe you will do that too. 

To any and all who read this, may the new year bring you the good gifts of health, wisdom, loving companions and cheer …

Feeding Wolves …

Leave a comment
Family & Legacy / Living Authentically / The Human Condition

My freshly cut Christmas tree is sparkling with tiny white lights. Every short needled branch boasts feathery birds, crystalline balls, handmade bird houses, and an odd assortment of miniature teddy bears, bells, and shiny stars collected over a lifetime. It’s gorgeous. 

Candles and strings of lights illuminate a shelf in our great room and a felted wreath hangs in between winter coats and hats on a clothes rack by the door. In the center of a table pine cones from our woods fill a donut-shaped cast-stone birdbath top safely inside from ice and snow that could threaten to crack it in two. Scattered throughout the house familiar artifacts of Christmas signal festivity.

I’ve done all the holiday prep I usually do and can’t help but notice I’ve been drawing more upon on a historical routine than my current state. Something is off. I don’t feel the sustained light-hearted joy I’m accustomed to at this time of year. 

It’s not as though it’s all been a drag. There have been uplifting moments. Plugging in the Christmas tree lights, pulling out cookie recipes and creating our year-end greeting card have brought genuine smiles to my face. And yet …

I’ve needed to go into my sanctuary, the woods. The place where I can usually still my thoughts and simply be. Surrounded by stalwart ponderosa pines and watchful owls, chittering nuthatches and endearingly comical quail I have a chance to get to the bottom of this pervasive, curious emptiness inside.

While standing in the utter quiet of the snowy morning in the middle of the trees I remembered something I had read in The Week about Taylor Swift’s wedding plans at her $32 million mansion. Apparently they “could end up splashing some $1.2 million on landscaping for the big day.” That level of wealth for landscaping confounds me when all around many are hungry and homeless.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not begrudging this amazing rock star’s fortune to spend however she chooses. That’s her business and her right … I’m just perplexed. My feet were getting cold by the time I began to understand at least a little of the gray cloud that has been hanging over me …

There’s an overwhelming amount of things I can’t make sense of as this year winds down; wildly inappropriate deportations, children with guns, starvation in the Middle East, warming oceans, divisive politics, bold disregard for the dignity of humankind. It’s a wonder I, or any of us for that matter can even sleep at night. 

In truth I don’t have to look far for the disparities between myself and countless others. I sit in a warm home with plenty to eat and more stuff than I could ever need while many are cold and stomachs are empty. A small change of circumstance or minor shift in my DNA might have me perched on a street corner holding a tattered cardboard sign.  

I assuage some of my ‘guilt?’ by creating bags to hand out to the homeless and their pets with emergency provisions. I realize that is a drop in the bucket when an ocean of change is needed. Yet, perhaps it makes a small contribution to someone in need. 

Is it possible to make things better for our fragmented humanity and the health of our planet? Or, are we destined to continually be the warring race repeating the mistakes of our forebears over and over, shattering the lives and habitats of all living creatures?

Years ago I slipped on the ice and broke my right wrist. Being very right-handed to the point of having little capacity to do much of anything for myself the following weeks were interesting. More had broken than my bones. 

My injury provoked and brought to the surface issues in my marriage needing to be addressed. The bones mended long before the rift that was cracked open in my relationship. Through excellent therapy and a lot of hard work we found our way through. The pain provided a path to healing and we took it. I wasn’t easy, it was damn hard. Love was the fuel to see the process through. 

As I look around our nation and beyond I see a shattered human family, every bit as broken as the bones that snapped in my wrist. Could it be the outdated paradigms that feed malignant hostilities must shatter before change is possible? How much worse does it have to get? And, what is the fuel that could provide the energy to do the hard work of healing? 

I do despair and wonder what the days and years ahead hold … these somber thoughts are wreaking havoc in my usual optimistic nature. I’m doing my best to temper the aching hollowness inside with strings of white lights sparkling around all the holiday trimmings. It’s no use. I’m losing the battle and reminded that ‘what you resist tends to persist.’

I’m familiar with resistance. I’ve been here before, many times actually. By now I feel I ‘should’ know that throwing my energy and willpower to overcome discontent never works. 

I ‘know’ to face into what is right before me and quit trying to put a bandaid on a gaping wound.

I ‘know’ to surrender to reality no matter how uncomfortable.

I ‘know’ to do the part only I can and am willing to do … and let it go. 

Ruminating on the horror is pointless. Sounds simple enough. If it were I’d be a master by now. But, I’m a mixed bag as I suspect we all are. The discordant inequities so obvious in the world live also inside … light and dark residing within, garishly highlighting the glitter alongside the suffering so obvious in this holiday season.

There’s a story handed down from Native American tradition about the two wolves living in each of us … one of goodwill and one intent on harm. When asked which wolf will win, the Cheyenne elder responds, “The one you feed.”

The Presence …

Leave a comment
Follow Your Heart / Mystical Connection

A few miles from our home is a highway that leads to a retail area with practically everything we need. It’s easy. It’s also frenetic. I’ve yet to drive on that road without cars and big-ass trucks cutting me off and tail-gating so closely they could easily connect to my bumper with a zip tie. Taking that route I’d be agitated by the time I arrived in town. Thankfully there is another way.

Running parallel to the fast-paced highway is a road that meanders through a ravine cut many years ago by the Little Spokane River. It takes longer to get where I’m going due to frequent braking for turkey and deer crossing the road. They are drawn there to munch on the lush greens along the river. I don’t mind. I’m accustomed to leaving margins of time for most every activity anyway. The important thing is that I arrive at my destination intact mentally and emotionally. 

Instead of stressing about avoiding unhinged drivers in fast moving traffic, when on this alternative route into town I am otherwise occupied. My thoughts meander like the twists and turns before me. 

The other morning while waiting for a rather large turkey family to cross the road I had a moment of insight. Pieces of my life formerly scattered around my mind like those of a jigsaw puzzle yet to find their place in the picture, found their spot. And, that took me back to early years.

I’m sure other’s had a different experience, but I hated school, especially elementary school. I was incarcerated in a room with 20 or more unruly, untrustworthy kids who gossiped, teased, and were mostly cruel. It smelled of library paste, urine, chalk dust, pencil shavings, and sweat. An older woman stood in front of us and droned on and on until we prisoners were released for gym, (code for getting hit with balls of all sizes) and eventually to go home. Why bother?

In those days I found as many ways as I possibly could to stay home. The most successful was to feign a stomach ache. This worked well with my perpetually depressed mother since I believe she herself often had stomach troubles. 

Once the school day began and it was too late to go anyway my heart took flight. I gathered, slowly to keep the ruse going, paper, scissors, tape, crayons, cotton balls, cardboard, and anything else that caught my fancy. As soon as I was established on the living room couch surrounded by everything I needed I went to work. 

My favorite things to create were various landscapes, lands of my imagination that held my heart together in urban metropolitan Chicago. One that took precedence over all others was what I called, ‘Lilac Land.’ On a sheet of cardboard I constructed rivers, hills, and trees with lilac bushes tucked in between. This conjured paradise was where I kept myself whole when all around me were rivers of asphalt, concrete and mountains of apartments and places of business.

The memory of those days played vividly in my thoughts as I waited for the turkeys to cross realizing that I haven’t changed all that much. I still create landscapes for the imagination, now with paint on canvas. I find the home of my heart in the quiet natural spaces where trees, birds, brush and wildflowers flourish far away from densely populated urban environments. 

As the last turkey crossed the road a chill ran up my spine. It occurred to me that I now live in Spokane dubbed, The Lilac City … On a small farm very much like that landscape of my dreams I created when I was so very young.

One might say, “So what? Coincidence.” That’s a point of view. Another could be Carl Jung’s notion of synchronicity: coincidence which is meaningful. What we pay attention to and that which holds significance is deeply personal and as varied as the strands of our DNA.

I pay attention to something I have experienced as a flow of energy that has been running through all of my life. This mysterious companion has accompanied me throughout all of my often inept journeying as I attempted to realize the ‘implanted vision’ of my youth. A generative force like a river to renew, soothe and nourish the soul … A presence that met me at birth and I believe will remain until my death.

The closest I’ve ever come to an existing understanding of this enigmatic force is the ancient Chinese Taoist concept of the Tao … the ineffable source of all things … ’The Great Way’ through which all things move. 

Alan Cohen wrote of the Tao, “It is a mystery to the intellect but knowable to the heart. It is life itself.” I have known this mystery in my heart. As an American-born Westerner I simply think of it now as ‘The Presence.’ 

I never quite got over my dislike for the mandatory school years. High school was a living nightmare. It wasn’t until the very different experience of university that learning became desirable. I had choice and dove into what I wanted to study. 

We don’t get to choose where we are born, or the family we are born into. For many of us we simply find ways to survive with our hearts and souls mostly intact until we have means to make our unique way into the world. 

Most important is to keep pursuing our dreams no matter how many times we arrive at what appears to be a dead end … To continually reach for that which was planted in our tender souls when the world was young … To remain open to The Presence and cultivate patience.

How long does it take to realize a dream? As a Hasegawa Zen master said, “It may take you three minutes, it may take you thirty years. And I mean that.” 

Unintended …

Leave a comment
Abstract Art / Follow Your Heart

I can’t speak to another’s artistic process. Even my own is difficult to put into words, an elusive, other worldly energy fueled by whispers on the wind that echo inside my mind and manifest in a physical reality. A puzzling delight.

I look for answers in the woods as the world is waking up. In the cool breezes of the early hours where deep wisdom is offered up from swaying tree branches while birds sing the songs of dawn.

This morning my thoughts were occupied by the phenomenon of chance. Is there intention in that which is random, accidental … is ANYTHING accidental? 

A few weeks ago I was beginning to sense the unmistakeable call to paint. At first it’s small things … being newly captivated by the artful, almost sensuous way the lines form in the tall grass, the brilliant color in summer leaves, the sculptural clusters of fallen, ordinary pine cones, the staggering light rays highlighting every bit of fluff as it filters through the Ponderosa Pines. 

The world becomes more alive, calling me to come closer, listen, be still as deep inside I feel a familiar, beckoning restlessness … an exquisite awareness on the edge of being almost painful.

I’m not naturally a patient person. I’m a doer. But experience has taught me to wait until the creative energy is saturating every cell of my body. Then I know it’s time to get to the studio. 

Many times over many years I’ve pushed ahead of inspiration and nothing good has ever come of it. I’ve ended up with an off-center, irritating piece that I quickly covered over with a healthy coat of gesso. 

I’ve learned that you can’t force the flow of creativity that comes from a much purer place than the mind and will … a fragile energy planted deep in the heart of an artist to be respected and nurtured.

When the time was right I went to my studio where I had prepped a big square canvas with a fresh coat of gesso. I was unsure where the paint would take me, but fairly certain it would be some kind of adventure. I wasn’t mistaken. 

I got out the tub with my favorite tools and began perusing jars of paint. I noticed the lid on a full jar of golden yellow looked as though it might not have been screwed down properly since I last used it a couple of months ago.

I picked up the jar and it slipped out of my hand. The lid flew off and at least half a jar of bright golden yellow paint splashed on the pristine white canvas and spilled onto the floor. 

I admit I wasn’t in a ‘Zen’ place all composed and chilled … I definitely had an, “Oh Shit!” moment. But it didn’t last long.

I took a deep breath and sprang into action managing to mop up the floor and scoop up a little of the paint on the canvas. However, it quickly became clear that I was going to be working with a warm palette. I have learned to bow to higher authority. 

Painting has been an in-my-face tutorial in front of and beyond the canvas. A teacher in the art of living and being true to myself. 

Being determined by nature I am practiced at throwing the strength of my will toward a pursuit. That comes easily to me. What’s more difficult for me is to muster the courage to simply show up as I am. All too often I’ve tried to force myself into what I ascertained to a better person. It’s always, always gone badly. 

When I stand before a canvas and connect to the energy within I let the paint take the lead. It’s then I hear my own true voice and I know who I am. 

That day in the studio a few weeks ago the paint did lead the way and over a few hours “Molten” was born. It’s hot, dramatic and almost looks like a lava flow … An accident?

Molten 40×40

I Choose the Blues …

Leave a comment
Farm Life / The Human Condition

I like blueberries. No, I actually love blueberries. If I were forced to have only one fruit for the duration of my life I would ‘choose the blues.’ 

Everywhere I have lived I have planted blueberry bushes, and sought out u-pick farms to satisfy my craving while waiting for my own plants to mature. That takes years. If you’re fortunate enough to move into a home with an existing mature patch, which I did many years ago when I was living in the Puget Sound area … instant delight. There among sturdy old bushes I effortlessly enjoyed handfuls of luscious fat, deeply blue berries. 

When I moved from that home I tried to replicate that healthy fruitful garden. I purchased 10 young plants from a local grower mixing it up with early season to late season bushes thinking to have many months of blueberries. I planted. I watered. I weeded. I waited. Slowly, year by year the little bushes grew new shoots raising my hopes when they finally produced a few berries. Then we made the big move from the damp coastal climate across the state to sunny, hot, dry Spokane. 

After investing years into these tender bushes I wasn’t about to leave them behind. My husband Dan and I dug each plant up and captured the massive root balls in large squares of burlap tied carefully around the base of the plants. We then hauled the 10 bundles in my Honda Element to our newly acquired rocky hillside farm. We dug a massive trench, heeled the bushes in, and carefully tucked them in with straw. I crossed my fingers and hoped they’d survive a much harsher winter only weeks away. 

It was a lot of work to move that blueberry patch, but the memory of being able to pick handfuls of berries from my own garden was still alive and well deep inside and I didn’t want to start all over again. 

In the coming spring I carefully removed each of the bushes from the trench. I planted them in 10 good sized holes dutifully lined with chicken wire to prevent ‘Death from Below,’ aka: pocket gophers. I had heard horror stories about these furry rodent devils and it didn’t take long to become acquainted with them. With their sharp little claws they tunnel undetected under your garden and kill your plants by eating the tender roots to ground level unless you install a barrier like chicken wire that they can’t chew through … I have been at war with them since we moved here 10 years ago. 

I expected that I would have to be patient for a few years for some berries. Once again I waited with little to no results, doggedly convinced that these slow growers just needed time. That didn’t stop me from thinking about what more I could do to get the berries coming. I made assumptions, and as Juan Ruiz states in The Four Agreements, “Never Make Assumptions.” Oops. 

My first assumption was that these were ‘West Coast’ varieties not able to withstand the very intense solar heat in Eastern Washington during July and August. No problem. I hung an enormous orchard shade over a cable running above the center of the patch. The long strings holding the shade taut continually got tangled up when the ‘tent’ flapped violently in the wind. Not ideal, but if it would keep the sun at bay I’d weather the mess. The bushes were growing, albeit at a snail’s pace so I didn’t give up.

My second assumption was that I knew exactly what it took to care for the bushes. I had lots of experience to draw upon and did what I had done before on the other side of the mountains. I put in drip lines and turned them on every few days like I had done for years. I fertilized, I weeded, I propped up branches with Y shaped supports carefully trimmed from tree limbs. I hung bird deterrents. I talked to them, I begged them, I pleaded for mercy. The bushes stayed alive, perhaps, however, a little spindly and still no fruit. 

At the beginning of last summer, 9 years into the project, I began to think about accepting defeat. Maybe it was time to throw up a white flag, surrender to the gods and concede that these bushes could not thrive in this climate. It was a mismatch and I needed to let go. Period. And, as chance would have it, my neighbor told me that she gets her blueberries from ’11 Acres,’ a u-pick farm in the local farming community just a 15 minute drive from our house. 

Over that summer I, along with my son and daughter went to ’11 Acres’ several times for blueberries. We ate our fill while we picked flat after flat and filled not only our bellies but our freezer as well. It was a bumper crop and it was heaven. No matter how much was picked the bushes were still loaded with berries. 

This spring while I was swirling a blueberry smoothie in the blender I got to thinking about last year’s experience at 11 Acres. First of all, their bushes were thriving in bright sun without any shade. Secondly, the long branches loaded with fruit hung at will without propping looking more like miniature weeping willows than bushes, and yet all remained intact. Thirdly, and perhaps most importantly, every time we went to ’11 Acres’ I came home with soaking wet feet. The bushes were mostly flooded with water. 

While sucking up my smoothie it dawned on me … I had been operating on assumptions; too much sun, weak branches, the varieties of bushes couldn’t produce in this climate. I was stuck in what I ‘knew’ and had been modifying solutions to the problem based on previous experience. I was blinded by what I ‘knew’ and I had almost admitted defeat. 

Right then and there I made a command decision … I threw out what I thought I knew and went with what had been right in front of my eyes while eating handfuls of berries at the u-pick.

Instead of relying on meager drips I decided to water the bushes everyday directly from the hose with as much water as the ground would absorb. I gave up the props for the branches and I let loose of the orchard shade.

Turns out that the sun wasn’t a problem or the varieties of the bushes … I hadn’t accounted for the amount of water needed to penetrate the dense mineral-strong soil in this arid climate. Adding to that, the hot dry summer winds sweep over the land acting like a dehydrator sucking moisture from tender leaves. Water, and plenty of it is the hero.

This morning I ate my fill of blueberries from my very own garden while moving the hose around to water the bushes. The branches, laden with fruit are hanging like weeping willows without breaking. The birds come and help themselves but there’s enough for all. 

Maybe it’s a fluke, just a good year perhaps, but the result is undeniable and stunning. I wonder what else I ‘know’ that just ain’t so …

“The trouble with most people isn’t that they don’t know anything, it’s that they know so many things that ain’t so.” Mark Twain

Like a Boomerang …

Leave a comment
Farm Life / Follow Your Heart / Living Authentically

5:35 am and already I feel like I might be running late. The forecast is an unseasonably hot day, could reach 100 degrees. In Spokane where we live, this is expected in July or August, certainly not in June. I have 2 choices as I look to the day ahead; grumble, complain and feel sorry for myself, or just get to work doing whatever I can to keep all living things in my care as hydrated and comfortable as possible in the scorching heat. A no-brainer really … why make what might be a rough day even tougher with a bad attitude. I get out of bed and get started.

In the main I take care of our small farm and run our household. The chickens, dogs, and garden involve a daily routine that even in moderate weather occupy a good portion of the day. Today I know I’ll be  going at it all day long. Good thing it’s work I’ve chosen and work I love, all of it …even the yucky, stinky, back-breaking, sometimes heart rending, exhausting, mundane day-to-day chores of caring for beloved pets, plants and wild things. That’s farm life. 

How did a girl from Chicago end up with her elbows in buckets of chicken manure compost? Gotta be passed down through the blood of my Eastern European farming ancestors that runs through my veins. 

The time passes swiftly. By 10:30 the sun is blazing, I’m sweating, hydrating, and pushing to complete watering the garden before my hard stop at 11:00. By then the sun beating down on me is just too much, and if I stay out longer I’ll be worthless for the rest of the day. 

I’ve learned that it’s mostly all about water here in the high desert. Plants will grow and thrive, IF you can get water to penetrate the compact granite soil to nourish their tender roots. Coming from the rich damp soils of the coast as I did 10 years ago, it’s taken me a while to fully appreciate how challenging it can be to keep plants hydrated. Mulch has become my gold standard. 

Adding to the challenge summer temperatures came early this year … an entire month early. That translates into cramming several weeks of spring chores into days and it’s been taxing. In spite of it all I’m not complaining, just saying what’s so. Everything I’m doing, I’m doing by conscious choice born from what I love. 

That’s the secret to work isn’t it? Work chosen from the heart of what we love. Then no matter what the task or how difficult or exhausting it can be, at the end of the day there is a sense of fulfillment. 

If anything suffers in my life, it’s housekeeping. UGH. I love to cook and that I do with excellence. Cleaning? Not so much. I hope no one calls the health department for an inspection … I doubt we’d pass.

My energies go to the world beyond human created walls, the ‘real’ world. The world where creatures and all living things are in touch with and kneel before the forces of nature. On my small farm I am privileged to know the healthy, natural routine of the dailiness of true life … Where beauty and brutality exist side by side and somehow orchestrate a symphony of meaning that whispers, “You belong here …” 

I have no way of knowing if this current weather pattern is the new normal, but it really does’t matter. I am aware that I have at best only a little impact to effect change in the forces that bring heat waves, high winds and drought. But, I can do my best and most of all be willing to adjust to change. 

Even so isn’t it hard to let go of the way it ‘should’ be? I guess it’s only human to want to keep certain aspects of our lives static, and resist the inevitable shifting and changes brought on by forces out of our control. When it comes right down to it, a lot if not most of life is out of our control … that’s the good news and the not so good news.

Good news? Absolutely. I’m under no illusion that I know how things ‘should’ be. I have no future vision, no omniscience. How could I possibly say what ought to be. That’s something I’ve learned working with nature. It shows you your proper status in this world and that teaches humility before that which is indomitable. 

Humility is only one of many perks of farm life. Another … almost everything can be put to use. A farm is the epitome of recycling. The ‘dirty’ straw that I collect after cleaning the chicken coop goes on a pile where it rests for a full year. During that time the microbes and bacteria in the manure work their magic and turn refuse into sweet, (it actually smells sweet!) nutrient rich soil and organic material that nourishes the plants in my garden. 

There are countless uses for tired pieces of field fence, broken bricks, worn wooden boards and posts, and cracked clay pots that would otherwise end up in the landfill. Add some in cable ties, PVC pipe, a few tools and a heap of ingenuity, wave your magic wand and presto! The magic of recycling … nothing goes to waste. 

Perhaps the real treasure found in the heart of farm life is that whatever you grow, there always seems to be an abundance to share. For me it’s eggs, flowers, pumpkins, and canned goods from ripe red tomatoes and plump sweet berries. 

However, it seems to me that whatever work you do, when you do it from the deep love born into your heart when you were nothing more than stardust, goodness follows. This goodness simply begs to burst open and flow into the world around you.

Years ago my daughter was going through a difficult time in her life. In the community where she lived there was a place called The Pantry. On a specific day of the week she could go and get some life-sustaining food. Even over the phone I could clearly hear the excitement in her voice when she came home with a bag of fresh produce and eggs.  

In her honor I pack up little cartons of eggs that my husband Dan delivers every Wednesday to our local food bank. I have chosen my chickens for many qualities and one thing that is very important to me is the color of their shells. Whenever a carton of eggs leave our farm they look like Easter eggs … dark brown, light brown, pinkish, aqua, soft olive green, and white. 

I get tremendous pleasure putting these colorful treasures together. While I am hoping these colorful eggs lift the spirits of another in need, it’s really a gift I give myself. That’s the curiously circular thing about working from the deep heart of that which we love … the gift comes right back to you, like a boomerang. 

Whatever your circumstances, giving back, no matter how small you might think your offering to be, it is a reliable way to bring joy into your life … Like my credit union’s motto says, “Do good, feel good!”